There is a gentle humility that comes with expecting and then delivering a baby. Something intrinsic in your wiring switches and your life is no longer all about you.
Motherhood literally changes the brain. There is plenty of research demonstrating how having children – even childbirth itself – changes a woman’s brain. Did you know that after giving birth the brain actually grows?
There’s no question for me how important the prenatal experience was for my child’s early development. Pregnancy did not happen without some external intensity for me – and, really, that was regarding my work.
I could not abandon ship during the most critical season – harvest. I had to figure out how to see the 2018 vintage through while carrying my son in the second and third trimester, and miraculously get the white and rosé wines bottled weeks after giving birth while struggling through a difficult and painful recovery.
It wasn’t easy. To be honest, it’s been a mother of a struggle.
Five months postpartum – and I have to maintain barrels of red wine, prepare for bottling the red wines, and prepare for the 2019 harvest. My brain is narrowly focused on one thing – my son.
I don’t understand how any mother can return to a full time job during the first 6 months postpartum. I am one of the lucky ones. Being an entrepreneur means I create my own schedule – to a point. As a winemaker, the seasonality of my work drives my schedule.
My brain is still fixated on the track of mothering. It is a full time job – and then some. Work-life balance is a challenge. As an entrepreneur the business never really shuts down for you. You have to create healthy boundaries to ensure you stay in business, that you are engaging and taking care of your customers, and, of course, keeping the process of production on schedule.
I was a little late in the game with bottling and releasing my white and rosé wines this year – with good reason. Still, it made it more challenging for me to release and sell these important wines. I am relying on my distribution partners to see the benefit in a later release with aromatic and rich Sauvignon Blanc and bone dry, savory rosé. Truth be told, the 2017 vintage wines that are still out in the market are really tasting amazing at this time. Holding off a little on releasing the 2018 vintage only means the wines will evolve and taste better with a little extra bottle age. This is a good thing!
Still, bills need to get paid. A delay in releasing and selling these wines means a delay in bringing in capital to pay for our production costs. The dance between production schedule and related costs against sales schedule and bringing in capital for the business is complicated and stressful. It never pans out just right and I’m constantly squirming to pay our bills on time.
This is stressful as a business owner. Add pregnancy and motherhood to the mix – it’s pretty daunting and emotionally draining.
Something has to give. And it’s not going to be at the detriment of my son. I work hard to produce world class wine. I’m confident that I am making among the best expressions of Cabernet Franc wines available anywhere. But making wine is no longer my first priority.
I am taking some of the pressure off of me to perform perfectly. 2018 will be an exceptional vintage, I am certain. But, I am awaiting a major learning point here. I relinquished some of my obsessive tendencies regarding winemaking to care for myself and my son during this precious time. I called on some help to see things through in the cellar. I hired a part-time employee to do some basic cellar work for me – like washing tanks and topping barrels. My husband came to the rescue a few times to check on and top barrels and to clean up our cellar space.
This is a big deal because for the past eight years I have performed pretty much every bit of the work load by myself. It’s been an important lesson to let that go and get help, as needed.
To be a creator or a maker… and to follow a disciplined schedule… AND to evolve into a new mom – it’s no easy undertaking. There are a ton of emotional ups and downs. I even resented my business for quite some time. I just wasn’t feeling it. I even lost interest in wine while I grew my baby and began nursing him.
I feel like I owe others a piece of me, via my wine, and it gave me such anxiety as I struggled to work. This was especially true during the weeks after giving birth when I had to prepare our white and rosé wines for bottling. I was an emotional wreck. My body hurt and a part of me didn’t care about what I was doing.
It was my husband who was my greatest cheerleader, who pushed and encouraged me to get things done when I didn’t want to work at all.
I’m coming around. Working part-time feels right for me right now. I will need to pull some longer hours in the coming weeks when we prepare our red wines for bottling. Harvest will require a lot more from me and I hope I am up for the task! I am currently pulling together a couple of smart, capable people I trust to help me out during the most intense part of the wine production season.
I am asking my kind customers, business partners, friends and family for continued support, patience and understanding. I always mean to make thoughtful, expressive wines that continue to excite and engage wine lovers. I am also a new mom trying to find my way. Some days are harder than others.
Each vintage tells a unique story.
For me, 2018 wasn’t just about the weather, the season of wildfires, the climate and long growing season, the effects of global warming and having scrutiny over the physiology of the grapes coming in after exposure to an ever increasing warming pattern (note: I write extensively about the effects of global warming on wine grapes, especially regarding the increased population of spoilage microorganisms, like pedioccocus bacteria, that come into the winery on fruit that is sustainably or organically farmed, and how I need to mitigate the start of my fermentations to ensure cleanliness, purification of fruit and eliminating spoilage microbes by creating an environment for healthy fermentations completed by desired saccharomyces cerevisiae yeasts with the goal of reducing byproducts, like biogenic amines, that can taint wine).
The vintage was about all of those things and how I navigated my work while growing my son – enduring many symptoms of pregnancy including edema, Braxton Hicks contractions, and exhaustion. Even getting the calories I needed via holistic nutrition was challenging – but, I made it a priority.
I don’t know if the 2018 wines will be my best wines or not, but, they will be reflective of the major changes that came along during my journey as a winemaking mother. In the coming weeks I will be tasting through barrels and evaluating each lot and making decisions about what will be the final blends. I am excited to see how these wines will transform over the next few years while I watch my baby grow into a toddler and little boy!